Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
