I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
