You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
