Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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