I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
