My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
i think we sleep fucked last night...
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
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