I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
