What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
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The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
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I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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