I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
