she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
