I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
