I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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