After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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