he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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