How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Randomize
