I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
