escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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