I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
