How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
