I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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