Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
