you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
