Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
