is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
