You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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