Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
