can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
