I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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