My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
im drinking this country out of the recession.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
