Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Randomize
