I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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