i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
