So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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