No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize