u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
