Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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