i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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