He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Randomize
