I think I won the penis lottery.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
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So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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