piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
