sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
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