you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
