I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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