Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
