i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
