Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
