"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
