I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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