The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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