I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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