he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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