she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
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