FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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