hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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